It’s Latin Night, and the feeling’s right — unless you’re Mark Ballas, in which case you are probably never eating salsa again. Week 2 saddled the longtime pro on the sidelines with a back injury, while other couples bared it all (emotions, pieces of flair, waxed chests) for the hundreds of hungry eyes scrounging for scraps in the vicinity of Tom Bergeron’s makeshift taco stand. Monday’s spectacle was an even bigger, more beautiful mess than I’ve made it sound, so let’s dig right in.
The extremely uncoordinated Geraldo Rivera and his partner Edyta Sliwinska have been eliminated, but not before the Fox News anchor and Lady Legwarmer got to portray Donald and Melania Trump in a thought-provoking “What if the Oval Office suddenly turned into Mexico?” salsa. Judges Len Goodman and Bruno Tonioli re-brandished their ‘4’ paddles for Geraldo — but if you really want the most succinct assessment of the newsman’s overall DWTS trajectory, please consult the palm tree on the left.
[Sad trombone.]
Will the judges please reveal their scores? Carrie Ann Inahhhhh-ber!
Wanya Morris and Lindsay Arnold: 24/30 It’s only Week 2, but wow, I’ve never seen an “on the road” couple show more energy and stay in better spirits than these two so far. As Wanya toured with Boyz II Men this week, he and Lindsay concocted their routine in six different cities, proving variety really is the spice of both life and the televised salsa.
Paige VanZant and Mark Ballas: 24/30 Mark had to bow out on show night after slipping a disc during camera blocking. Is it really any wonder, considering his salsa routine with the UFC fighter was chock full of freakishly demanding lifts only the strongest man in the world could pull off?
Jodie Sweetin and Keo Motsepe: 21/30 The Full House star suffered a mini-meltdown during rehearsals this week, but that’s totally okay. First of all, nothing says DWTS better than the sound of someone weeping behind a closed bathroom door. It’s practically a rite of passage. Plus, this way, Keo got the chance to drop a loaded advice bomb on his stressed-out partner early on. Basically: Don’t be desperate, honey! Just relax, understand that your partner will wear zero shirts and many shimmery body decals to distract from any mistakes, and let the river of heated feelings run!
Ginger Zee and Valentin Chmerkovskiy: 21/30 Ginger worried that as a new mom and not-so-new wife, her inner swag was buried too far down under her oversize t-shirt to pull off a sexy samba. Wrong! After all, “If you need to dig deep, this is the show that gives you a shovel,” quipped host Tom Bergeron. And let’s be honest: in the light of Val’s loving choreography, you’d have to be pretty dull not to shine. No worries here.
Antonio Brown and Sharna Burgess: 20/30 The fast-talking NFL star has never seen Dirty Dancing, so all of the rubbing and touching in the name of a proper rumba education was totally new to him. And whoops, he basically just told Erin Andrews he’d popped some serious erections during rehearsals. But it was all worth it, right? Behold the beauty of their half-naked extensions against Sharna’s favorite rainy window-wall!
Nyle DiMarco and Peta Murgatroyd: 20/30 Much to my dismay (and slight intrigue), it seems that Top Models ™ can get away with performing the rumba in buttoned shirts (preposterous!) while still looking mega hot. They’re pretty annoying like that.
Doug Flutie and Karina Smirnoff: 20/30 Not content to let Alan (dancing again on the right) stake his claim on that Strongest Man in the World title, the NFL legend decided to go with one of those “drag my partner through a smoky ‘80s factory” paso doble openings Karina favors so well.
Marla Maples and Tony Dovolani: 20/30 Forget the goofy amino acid, tempeh, and collagen diet she’s on. Tony’s so happy to have a healthy and flexible partner that he’s going all tough love on her whether she’s ready for it or not.
Von Miller and Witney Carson: 20/30 Both current NFL stars seem fairly checked out, but Von is winning the “I don’t give a f***” competition by a landslide, breezily paying Witney $100 for each minute he’s late and farting during rehearsals as if he’s solely responsible for powering the smoke machine. Carrie Ann kindly requested that Von dance at least 30 percent bigger after their cha cha cha. To be honest, I barely noticed the lilac-jacketed Von out there in the midst of all the hullabaloo surrounding Tom’s Tacos.
Kim Fields and Sasha Farber: 19/30 After a promising first week, Kim’s confidence dipped a bit, but it was nothing an impromptu FaceTime with her personal hero Gloria Estefan couldn’t fix. Infused by the power of the Conga, the Facts of Life star and Real Housewife of Atlanta was crawling around on the salsa stage like she owned the place.
Mischa Barton and Artem Chigvintsev: 15/30 I feel for the beleaguered actress, who’s struggling to stay afloat in a sea of ever-changing live music and extroverts, extroverts everywhere as far as the shaded eyes can see! Sadly, none of the emotion from Mischa’s ongoing internal drama managed to fly out during their cha cha cha. Without a major breakthrough, she could be the next to dance on home.
The extremely uncoordinated Geraldo Rivera and his partner Edyta Sliwinska have been eliminated, but not before the Fox News anchor and Lady Legwarmer got to portray Donald and Melania Trump in a thought-provoking “What if the Oval Office suddenly turned into Mexico?” salsa. Judges Len Goodman and Bruno Tonioli re-brandished their ‘4’ paddles for Geraldo — but if you really want the most succinct assessment of the newsman’s overall DWTS trajectory, please consult the palm tree on the left.
[Sad trombone.]
Will the judges please reveal their scores? Carrie Ann Inahhhhh-ber!
Wanya Morris and Lindsay Arnold: 24/30 It’s only Week 2, but wow, I’ve never seen an “on the road” couple show more energy and stay in better spirits than these two so far. As Wanya toured with Boyz II Men this week, he and Lindsay concocted their routine in six different cities, proving variety really is the spice of both life and the televised salsa.
Paige VanZant and Mark Ballas: 24/30 Mark had to bow out on show night after slipping a disc during camera blocking. Is it really any wonder, considering his salsa routine with the UFC fighter was chock full of freakishly demanding lifts only the strongest man in the world could pull off?
Jodie Sweetin and Keo Motsepe: 21/30 The Full House star suffered a mini-meltdown during rehearsals this week, but that’s totally okay. First of all, nothing says DWTS better than the sound of someone weeping behind a closed bathroom door. It’s practically a rite of passage. Plus, this way, Keo got the chance to drop a loaded advice bomb on his stressed-out partner early on. Basically: Don’t be desperate, honey! Just relax, understand that your partner will wear zero shirts and many shimmery body decals to distract from any mistakes, and let the river of heated feelings run!
Ginger Zee and Valentin Chmerkovskiy: 21/30 Ginger worried that as a new mom and not-so-new wife, her inner swag was buried too far down under her oversize t-shirt to pull off a sexy samba. Wrong! After all, “If you need to dig deep, this is the show that gives you a shovel,” quipped host Tom Bergeron. And let’s be honest: in the light of Val’s loving choreography, you’d have to be pretty dull not to shine. No worries here.
Antonio Brown and Sharna Burgess: 20/30 The fast-talking NFL star has never seen Dirty Dancing, so all of the rubbing and touching in the name of a proper rumba education was totally new to him. And whoops, he basically just told Erin Andrews he’d popped some serious erections during rehearsals. But it was all worth it, right? Behold the beauty of their half-naked extensions against Sharna’s favorite rainy window-wall!
Nyle DiMarco and Peta Murgatroyd: 20/30 Much to my dismay (and slight intrigue), it seems that Top Models ™ can get away with performing the rumba in buttoned shirts (preposterous!) while still looking mega hot. They’re pretty annoying like that.
Doug Flutie and Karina Smirnoff: 20/30 Not content to let Alan (dancing again on the right) stake his claim on that Strongest Man in the World title, the NFL legend decided to go with one of those “drag my partner through a smoky ‘80s factory” paso doble openings Karina favors so well.
Marla Maples and Tony Dovolani: 20/30 Forget the goofy amino acid, tempeh, and collagen diet she’s on. Tony’s so happy to have a healthy and flexible partner that he’s going all tough love on her whether she’s ready for it or not.
Von Miller and Witney Carson: 20/30 Both current NFL stars seem fairly checked out, but Von is winning the “I don’t give a f***” competition by a landslide, breezily paying Witney $100 for each minute he’s late and farting during rehearsals as if he’s solely responsible for powering the smoke machine. Carrie Ann kindly requested that Von dance at least 30 percent bigger after their cha cha cha. To be honest, I barely noticed the lilac-jacketed Von out there in the midst of all the hullabaloo surrounding Tom’s Tacos.
Kim Fields and Sasha Farber: 19/30 After a promising first week, Kim’s confidence dipped a bit, but it was nothing an impromptu FaceTime with her personal hero Gloria Estefan couldn’t fix. Infused by the power of the Conga, the Facts of Life star and Real Housewife of Atlanta was crawling around on the salsa stage like she owned the place.
Mischa Barton and Artem Chigvintsev: 15/30 I feel for the beleaguered actress, who’s struggling to stay afloat in a sea of ever-changing live music and extroverts, extroverts everywhere as far as the shaded eyes can see! Sadly, none of the emotion from Mischa’s ongoing internal drama managed to fly out during their cha cha cha. Without a major breakthrough, she could be the next to dance on home.
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