Previously, on The Bachelor! Twenty-seven women fell victim to a collective delusion that overly-earnest Indiana boy, Ben Higgins, was in fact the most desirable man on earth! Many of those women wore partial shirts while trying to woo Ben Higgins! Almost everyone ended up hating each other, because misters before sisters, amirite?
Now that you’re all caught up, let’s join The Bachelor: The Women Tell All, already in progress.
Chapter 1: Filler
We fade in on the Tealight Candle Thunderdome, where a screeching crowd watches via picture-in-picture as Olivia puts her face on.
(Props to those women in the Sex Panther shirts, by the way. That’s commitment.) But it’s not time to publicly humiliate Olivia yet — first, we need to make it through a segment where Ben and Chris Harrison break into fans’ houses to surprise them while they’re watching the show.
Side note: Can Child Protective Services take someone’s kid away for using her as a prop on a reality TV dating show?
Anyhow, Harrison and Ben hop from house to house, taking selfies and subjecting their eardrums to a continuous stream of shrill screaming.
Chapter 2: “Ladies” and Chicken
At last Harrison introduces the women, and as always there are a few contestants who I swear I’ve never seen before in my life. Like, does anyone have proof that this person was really on the show?
More importantly, we finally get to see everyone’s WTA makeover — loving the sleek bob, Olivia! — and watch as they watch themselves act the fool via the picture-in-picture Humiliation Cam™.
Chapter 3: She Wasn’t Playing, White Boy
Oh no, honey, Team Bachelor is not done with you yet. We still have a few areas to cover, such as…
Chapter 4: Lace Takes Two Steps Forward, One Million Back
First up, I think we need to discuss Lace’s new look.
Now that you’re all caught up, let’s join The Bachelor: The Women Tell All, already in progress.
Chapter 1: Filler
We fade in on the Tealight Candle Thunderdome, where a screeching crowd watches via picture-in-picture as Olivia puts her face on.
(Props to those women in the Sex Panther shirts, by the way. That’s commitment.) But it’s not time to publicly humiliate Olivia yet — first, we need to make it through a segment where Ben and Chris Harrison break into fans’ houses to surprise them while they’re watching the show.
Side note: Can Child Protective Services take someone’s kid away for using her as a prop on a reality TV dating show?
Anyhow, Harrison and Ben hop from house to house, taking selfies and subjecting their eardrums to a continuous stream of shrill screaming.
Chapter 2: “Ladies” and Chicken
At last Harrison introduces the women, and as always there are a few contestants who I swear I’ve never seen before in my life. Like, does anyone have proof that this person was really on the show?
More importantly, we finally get to see everyone’s WTA makeover — loving the sleek bob, Olivia! — and watch as they watch themselves act the fool via the picture-in-picture Humiliation Cam™.
Chapter 3: She Wasn’t Playing, White Boy
Oh no, honey, Team Bachelor is not done with you yet. We still have a few areas to cover, such as…
Chapter 4: Lace Takes Two Steps Forward, One Million Back
First up, I think we need to discuss Lace’s new look.
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